It's not easy to talk dirty to a new partner, heck it took me around 3 months to sort of pluck up some courage and ask my girlfriend during a session fuelled with some nice cold sherbets (that's alchohol for those who are wondering), what she liked and disliked when she's intimate, what turned her on etc, but when Reddit user anonymouslittlebitch, shared his epic fail story to the TIFU sub reddit, I was relieved that my situation was nothing in comparison to his. He wrote this…
"Throwaway for obvious reasons.
So a little background: My current gf and I have been together for about 2 months and things have been going great. Before her I was a virgin, she's slept with a couple guys, not a big deal, blah blah blah. Obviously because the relationship is pretty new, we're still learning about what the other likes sexually, and I'm learning everything for the first time. Long story short, it came up that she likes dirty talk during sex. I said I was down to give it a shot, but deep down inside I knew that I had no idea what I would be doing and would kind of be winging it.
Last weekend we went out for drinks, hormones started flying, and we decided it was time to wrap the night up, so we went back to her place. So we're getting it on, drunkenly fumbling and slobbering, but we're wasted so it's fine. She's telling me about how wet she is and all the things she wants me to do to her…all the nasty stuff. She kind of rambled for a bit, and I was feeling a bit of pressure to chime in, because surely she'd run out of material soon. The rum is swooshing through my veins at this point, making me feel much more comfortable than I normally do.
This is all new territory for me, but I'm feeling adventurous tonight, a bit like Christopher Columbus, and she's what I think is India. So I decide to talk dirty. Her monologue was cycling back to her being wet, and like a hungry cheetah, I figure this is the perfect time to strike. And that's when I cleverly decided to ask if I make her "moister than an oyster".
Her face fell. It's hard to describe the mixture of despair and drunken hopelessness that spilled across her face. I went from being a cunning cheetah pouncing on a wounded antelope, to being a cheetah that tried pouncing but tripped over a log and broke its neck in the process. I've been wondering how I could have fucked up such an easy moment, but nothing can explain it. We approach this next weekend, and we've talked twice since then. I don't think I'll be redeeming myself anytime soon.
TLDR: I decided to be sexy and asked my gf if I made her moister than an oyster. She doesn't think oysters are sexy."
Reddit users were quick to show their support with some funny suggestions and stories of their own…