During a casual visit to a cafe, @thisstuartlaws witnessed a tense exchange involving two women, some dirty dishes and a book club. Absolute madness ensues between these two women. Grab some popcorn as this is going to be an interesting read.
At a cafe, empty tables everywhere, a woman moved all the dirty plates and cups from her table to another, that another woman is sat at. I'm absolutely buzzing about where this is headed.
— Stuart Laws (@thisstuartlaws) April 15, 2019
15 table cafe
Occupied tables: 3
Empty tables: 12— Stuart Laws (@thisstuartlaws) April 15, 2019
Clean woman has started moving all the dirty plates back from whence they came. Dirty plate woman has broken the silence.
"What are you doing?"— Stuart Laws (@thisstuartlaws) April 15, 2019
"You put these on my table without asking so I'm moving them back"
"I didn't want them on my table"
CHECKMATE— Stuart Laws (@thisstuartlaws) April 15, 2019
"Well, I didn't want them on my table and you just put them there without asking"
"Well put them on another table if you don't want them on yours"
"No, I'm putting them here"
Sidenote: there's a book group meeting due to start here at 3pm
Sidebar: staff pretending not to notice— Stuart Laws (@thisstuartlaws) April 15, 2019
Dirty plates woman started moving dirty plates back to the clean woman's table, whilst clean woman was finishing moving dirty plates from whence they came. Neither are talking now, or looking at each other. Unbelievable scenes.
— Stuart Laws (@thisstuartlaws) April 15, 2019
Oh shit, clean woman just looked at me for help
— Stuart Laws (@thisstuartlaws) April 15, 2019
Dirty plates woman just dropped a mug on the floor and then raced back to her table and opened a book
— Stuart Laws (@thisstuartlaws) April 15, 2019
Staff member has reluctantly walked over at the sound of the mug and now clean woman is trying to explain the situation but dirty plates woman is now engrossed in her book and the staff member seems confused
— Stuart Laws (@thisstuartlaws) April 15, 2019
Clean woman asked dirty plates woman to explain the situation but DPW just turned round and acted confused by what was happening. CW looked at me and said that I would have seen it all. DPW also stared at me and I felt genuinely sick as I nodded my head in support of CW
— Stuart Laws (@thisstuartlaws) April 15, 2019
DPW: "I'm just trying to have a quiet tea, I don't need all this bother please"
Staff member seems even more confused, starts collecting the dirty plates and cups, CW looks gutted. More customers in cafe now, I think this is the drama over.— Stuart Laws (@thisstuartlaws) April 15, 2019
THEY'VE BOTH WALKED OVER TO THE BOOK GROUP
— Stuart Laws (@thisstuartlaws) April 15, 2019
It's the first meeting of the book group and they are all introducing themselves to each other and the head of the group asked "does anyone, aside from me and Patrick, know each other?"
DPW does a slow sweep of the group with her eyes and shakes her head, CPW staring at her— Stuart Laws (@thisstuartlaws) April 15, 2019
CPW said that she does know someone, points at DPW and says:
"I met this woman about 20 minutes ago when she moved all of the dirty plates off of her table and onto mine, without asking"
Patrick did a little laugh and the Head of Book Group (HoBG) looked very confused— Stuart Laws (@thisstuartlaws) April 15, 2019
HoBG: "Shall we get started?"
They did some intros and brief chat admin. There's 7 people in total. The book is: Nine Perfect Strangers
I wish there were two more people in their group, CPW can't take her eyes off of DPW and DPW is being really charming, especially to Patrick— Stuart Laws (@thisstuartlaws) April 15, 2019
Nothing much happening in the book group at the moment beyond book analysis, rest of cafe pretty empty. I realised that if you count me and the staff member that makes 9 perfect strangers but HoBG knows Patrick and there's another staff member so it doesn't work.
— Stuart Laws (@thisstuartlaws) April 15, 2019
IT DOES WORK. 9 perfect strangers and 2 friends.
— Stuart Laws (@thisstuartlaws) April 15, 2019
Shots fired!!! CPW got herself a tea and a slice of cake, drank and ate it all and then put them empties down on top of DPW's book.
— Stuart Laws (@thisstuartlaws) April 15, 2019
oh fuck, this is mad, fuck me
— Stuart Laws (@thisstuartlaws) April 15, 2019
DPW calmly excused herself to go to the toilet, came back with water, put it down on table and knocked it over CPW's book, then quickly apologised and sat down, offering no help
— Stuart Laws (@thisstuartlaws) April 15, 2019
Others in the group helped clean up water, no one really seems to understand that their book group has a broiling subplot going on. Patrick especially.
— Stuart Laws (@thisstuartlaws) April 15, 2019
HoBG asked for suggestions of future books to read…
CPW: The Psychopath Test?
HoBG: That's a good book, anyone else read it?
One of the supporting cast of the book group has, brief discussion about Jon Ronson, DPW joining in, saying it sounds like a good book— Stuart Laws (@thisstuartlaws) April 15, 2019
Official Book Group is over but it's now unofficial socialising time, two people made a quick getaway, the rest are just chatting. CPW looks lost, desperately trying to think of a way to get revenge?
— Stuart Laws (@thisstuartlaws) April 15, 2019
It's just Patrick, DPW & CPW left now. At this stage I've realised CPW should be CTW but I can't change that now
— Stuart Laws (@thisstuartlaws) April 15, 2019
Staff member came over to clear away dirty cups. CPW says not to worry, staff member looks confused.
CPW points at DPW: "She's going to do it"
Staff member looks confused and keeps clearing them away— Stuart Laws (@thisstuartlaws) April 15, 2019
DPW just pretended to be confused and looked at Patrick with a "what's that about?" look. Patrick laughed, I still don't think he knows he just attended a book group
— Stuart Laws (@thisstuartlaws) April 15, 2019
Someone requested a little more detail on the protagonist and antagonist (it's up to you to decide which is which I guess). DPW in her late 50s maybe, CPW maybe 40s? Patrick in his 60s. HoBG: 60s. Staff members: teens/early 20s. Me: 30s.
— Stuart Laws (@thisstuartlaws) April 15, 2019
Real ending:
DPW says she has to leave, Patrick laughs and I'm not sure why, shakes her hand. DPW does a Patrice Evra style ignoring of CPW, goes and pays her bill, talks to Staff Member for a bit, laughs about something and then leaves.
CPW looks absolutely devastated.— Stuart Laws (@thisstuartlaws) April 15, 2019
Twitter readers appreciated the story by sharing their reactions
This is like an episode of a dramatic 80’s Tv show with Paul Nicholas as the Book group head. You’ve got Rosemary Ford & Joanna Lumley fighting over the dirty dishes! 😁😂🤣 “A Storm In A Dirty Tea Cup”?? https://t.co/ZJnYNXsciy
— Andrew Harbison (@HARBIE90) April 15, 2019
This thread is impossibly British and my god is it good. https://t.co/vgaTW1x1eK
— Katie Colhoun (@ktcolhoun) April 15, 2019
I've had someone dump their trays on my table because they couldn't be arsed. As I went to say something the person with her said you can't do that. This is better⬇️ https://t.co/ahfrgGhmsB
— Cat (@CatCranston) April 15, 2019
Right, I’m following you now in case you go back to cafe for the next episode
— SFW👍👏💕 (@sfw_angtft) April 15, 2019
This thread though! Is the end the ultimate put down, by messing with someone's head or simply an olive branch? https://t.co/Gcfr45ubcx
— Tricia Adie (@pinkpadie) April 15, 2019
